Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Lowest form of conversation...

According to Tony Soprano, the lowest form of conversation is "remember when".  Some people say it's anything related to the weather.  I say nay.  I think there's no lower form of conversation than someone recounting their dreams to another person.  Your dreams are only interesting to yourself (YDAOITY).  I may throw that one in my potential bumper stickers file.  So far I have "liberal bumper sticker" and "I Heart Mormon Pussy".  I also don't like when people describe a particular traffic situation to another person.  That one requires too much work for the person listening.  They have to envision various right and left turn lanes, medians, four way stops, etc.  It's too much, folks.  Too much.  I don't want to think when you're talking to me.  And don't tell people any prepared jokes.  It puts too much pressure on the listener.  It makes the listener mindful of keeping eye contact, not laughing too early, waiting for the punchline, maintaining eye contact, then they get distracted and realize they haven't been listening to the set-up and they're not going to have any idea when they are supposed to laugh because the punchline is not going to make sense.  It's awful.  Stop telling jokes.  I could go on and on.  Something that I don't want to go on and on is this cold snap!  Man alive, is it cold outside!  Goodness gracious, my car said it was 23 degrees outside while I was commuting home tonight.  I know this because I was stuck at a traffic light for ten minutes tonight.  It was ridiculous.  We were in a single lane that was backed up quite a bit.  I gathered that the traffic trying to turn right in our lane was affected by the southbound traffic being backed in the intersecting street.  Meanwhile, all I needed to do was get in the left turn lane.  Thing is, we were backed up and I couldn't reach the turn lane.  I was about three cars behind where the turn starts, but we weren't moving, so I couldn't get to it.  It was frustrating to say the least.  But while I was sitting there in traffic I was afforded some time to think about stuff.  I was thinking about how I was looking forward to getting home and watching the latest episode of Boardwalk Empire.  I very much enjoy having a television show in my life.  I remember when the final episodes of The Sopranos were airing, I absolutely could not wait for Sunday nights.  I remember watching that final episode and looking at my clock and realizing that there's probably only a couple of minutes left in the show, then that Journey song came, Tony keeps looking up to see who's coming into the diner, and everyone coming in looks kind of familiar, and Meadow can't parallel park her car, why is that guy looking at Tony like that and why can't Meadow park her car already.  Oh, it was intense.  I just remember sitting there after it ended.  All I could do was stare at the tv screen.  I remember being really sad, yet satisfied.  Something that did not leave me satisfied was waking up this morning.  I was having this dream where I was back bussing tables at The Hungry Hunter.  It's weird, but working at the Hungry Hunter is the only recurring dream I've ever had in my life.  I've been having them for the past few years.  This one was like all the others.  It was present time and my first day back at Hungry Hunter after having not worked there for years and years.  A lot of the same people were there that I worked with back in the day, yet I don't know their names, just their faces.    There were also new employees working who I didn't know.  This dream was just like the others, in that I was thrown into the rush hour and I couldn't perform my bussing duties in the efficient manner that I was used to.  I suspect it's similar to what star athletes feel when they no longer can perform at a high level.


PS     Q:How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
          A:  Some obscure number you've never heard of.

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